For children, parents are very important people, with whom children bond and learn. Your children are part of both you and their other parent. Children and their parents belong to each other whether their parents are together or not. For your children’s sake, you as parents, both matter immensely.
The energetic and emotional field between you both is real and palpable. Parents pretending to get along or outright fighting and bickering are two ends of the same disharmony. A safe emotional field has a felt sense of honesty and congruence with reality.
Kids settle because reality feels sane and held. When kindness and love are woven into the emotional field, kids settle because they start to trust that whatever is happening is going to be okay.
Children do not need it to be always peaceful. In my opinion, and in the opinion of many child therapists, children need to see parents fight and make up. They need to see that the messy stuff can be forgiven and that real repair can happen.
They learn the importance of commitment and a sense of belonging, of re-doing a situation in a better way, and of finding new and healthier ways of being together. Life is a journey, full of growing pains. Repair and heart resonance are your key healing tools. My blog, Repair – Communication & Connection, can teach you more.
Then there is the balancing of being real and at the same time discerning about what is child appropriate. It is the parents who must hold the charge or voltage of the emotional currents as well as help kids to process their own feelings and what they have witnessed or experienced.
And yes, it is possible to have healthy and secure relationships that are mostly filled with goodness, trust and care. We can work for that reality. It is okay if you are not there yet. It is the commitment and the acts we take as parents moving forward that speak to our own inner strength and integrity.
It’s okay to make mistakes. We are taught to say to our kids, “I’m ok with your messes. I love you no matter what.”
To all you parents out there —
Here is a reminder to say to yourself:
“It’s okay to make mistakes. I am learning and growing. I will repair this situation and be in integrity. I will get help if I need it. I love you (to yourself) I love my kids and I will make sure they know it.”
Would you like some parenting support?
My commitment is to support you both as individuals in your own right and as parents to:
• Clear up the essential miscommunications
• Soften the wedges that have grown between you both and allow for understanding
• Learn better ways to communicate
• Form boundaries that are clear strong and flexible
• Put the past to rest so that your energy is freed up in the present
• Focus on parenting values and goals
This can be your gift to your children.