Bring the Pause button into the relationship – Saying the word ‘Pause’ means an immediate pause in speech. It is an invitation to take a minimum of three calming breaths. This slows things down when needed. Acquire a calm state and be able to make eye contact before speech continues.
PART 2: HELPFUL TIPS FOR TRANSFORMING CHALLENGING MOMENTS
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The Pause Button
Bring the Pause button into the relationship. Saying the word ‘Pause’ means an immediate pause in speech and movements. It is an invitation to take a minimum of three calming breaths. This slows things down when needed.
Acquire a calm state and be able to make eye contact before speech continues.
If pausing doesn’t work to get the charge diminished and help communication clarity, then step away for 5-20 minutes and Return.
Tell the other person, “I am going to take a pause or a walk and be with myself. I will return to connect with you in a few minutes.”
If after two of these ‘walks’ escalation or communication breakdown is still happening, tell the other person, “I am now going to leave to be by myself and give us space. I care for you and value resolving this. I am going to return to connect tomorrow.” (within 24 hours ideally).
An important Key: Without using the Pause button and committing to completing the conversation, the attachment issues will continue to flare up.
Attachment issues are helpful signals to help you build a container of safety in which to navigate and communicate.
For example, if one person tends to be anxious and the other person tends to avoid conflict, the two peoples’ attachment issues will collide and escalate, unless both people are aware and compassionate about the others’ wounding.
Bonds break with challenging communication that is not repaired.
Before the challenging interaction becomes a strong and painful groove, communicate with right speech, right action and enough space to process. And communicate face to face (texting and emailing do not suffice here).